I am letting go..
Letting all this go..i am taking myself away from the self-destruction that i have led myself to.
My life is a complete mess.
I'm not talking to my parents. They hate me.
My brothers think i have gone nuts. They have practically disowned me.
My friends have cast me out. They detest me.
I'm losing it. I don't know myself anymore. I've begun to hate myself and everything that i have become.
All i have is you.
You... who has been such a blessing.
You... whose giving me so much love...
and you... who is also causing me all this pain.
I don't even know why they don't like you. You're funny and smart and different but that doesn't matter anymore.. Fate has been so cruel... I love someone my loved ones doesn't love.
I never knew loving someone could be this painful... I don't wanna choose between my family and you...and i don't wanna choose between you and.. me.
Yes...that's right... i dont wanna choose between you and me... because choosing you means losing who i am...
You see, the other day while i was sitting in the coffee shop waiting for u, i felt so detached with what was going on around me.. i thought long and hard of what was up with my friends and what my brothers are into these days... and i came up empty...i felt so alone.. and so lonely than i've ever been in my life... then it hit me, that in loving you i lost myself and everyone else... I was so into you that i forgot all else existed... including me....
I love you more than myself... that i unknowingly changed who i am for you.. i quit playing badminton so that i could play video games with you... i hated chocolate because u were allergic to it... i became an action movie buff... i always wear black because it's your favorite color... I can barely even remember that i loved the color yellow so much that i had my room painted in it...And even though beer makes me want to puke I've been drinking a lot of it because that's what your friends are into... I've been trying so hard for them to like me...and it seems like 40 years has to pass before that happens.. i've seen them roll their eyes when i arrive and i've heard their catty remarks.. you don't even defend me... and i let it slide all the time.. and that's not me...
Damn!! i pity myself.. I have become a puppy... following you around... doing everything you want... and now I'm lost... I take a long hard look at myself and i cant recognize me anymore.
My heart literally aches with just the thought of what i am going to do... But i have to do this...Call me a coward... call me a defeatist...call me selfish... call me whatever you want... and I'm gonna accept it... because I am tired... Tired of fighting for a love that is a constant losing battle. I can't fight anymore when I'm running out of reasons to hold on to. I'm not happy anymore...Things shouldn't have gone this far... i have built my world around you that I'm losing everything...
I miss the feeling i get when i talk to my parents or the banters i have with my brothers...i miss hanging out with my friends... and i miss myself... i miss my old self... every time i take a look in the mirror a stranger forlornly stares back... i hate what i see... and i don't want that... not anymore...
I'm letting us go... while i still can catch glimpses of me.
i wanna be with someone that my parents will accept. Someone who can talk to my brothers. Someone who my friends can hang out with and someone who i can love and share my world with without losing my self...and someone who can accept me as me...
I hope you understand why i need to do this. I'm sure you will hate me and i can only hope you can find it in you to forgive me... i believe that if we are meant for each other... our paths will cross again... Like Pacey said in Dawson's creek.. "if two people are meant for each other, it doesn't mean that they are meant for each other NOW..." and i have hopes for us... maybe that's the case with us... maybe our time hasn't come yet... maybe we just need to grow up... and maybe this just isn't meant to be... that's a lot of maybes... but right now, i'm sure of one thing...
Goodbye luv...
Letting all this go..i am taking myself away from the self-destruction that i have led myself to.
My life is a complete mess.
I'm not talking to my parents. They hate me.
My brothers think i have gone nuts. They have practically disowned me.
My friends have cast me out. They detest me.
I'm losing it. I don't know myself anymore. I've begun to hate myself and everything that i have become.
All i have is you.
You... who has been such a blessing.
You... whose giving me so much love...
and you... who is also causing me all this pain.
I don't even know why they don't like you. You're funny and smart and different but that doesn't matter anymore.. Fate has been so cruel... I love someone my loved ones doesn't love.
I never knew loving someone could be this painful... I don't wanna choose between my family and you...and i don't wanna choose between you and.. me.
Yes...that's right... i dont wanna choose between you and me... because choosing you means losing who i am...
You see, the other day while i was sitting in the coffee shop waiting for u, i felt so detached with what was going on around me.. i thought long and hard of what was up with my friends and what my brothers are into these days... and i came up empty...i felt so alone.. and so lonely than i've ever been in my life... then it hit me, that in loving you i lost myself and everyone else... I was so into you that i forgot all else existed... including me....
I love you more than myself... that i unknowingly changed who i am for you.. i quit playing badminton so that i could play video games with you... i hated chocolate because u were allergic to it... i became an action movie buff... i always wear black because it's your favorite color... I can barely even remember that i loved the color yellow so much that i had my room painted in it...And even though beer makes me want to puke I've been drinking a lot of it because that's what your friends are into... I've been trying so hard for them to like me...and it seems like 40 years has to pass before that happens.. i've seen them roll their eyes when i arrive and i've heard their catty remarks.. you don't even defend me... and i let it slide all the time.. and that's not me...
Damn!! i pity myself.. I have become a puppy... following you around... doing everything you want... and now I'm lost... I take a long hard look at myself and i cant recognize me anymore.
My heart literally aches with just the thought of what i am going to do... But i have to do this...Call me a coward... call me a defeatist...call me selfish... call me whatever you want... and I'm gonna accept it... because I am tired... Tired of fighting for a love that is a constant losing battle. I can't fight anymore when I'm running out of reasons to hold on to. I'm not happy anymore...Things shouldn't have gone this far... i have built my world around you that I'm losing everything...
I miss the feeling i get when i talk to my parents or the banters i have with my brothers...i miss hanging out with my friends... and i miss myself... i miss my old self... every time i take a look in the mirror a stranger forlornly stares back... i hate what i see... and i don't want that... not anymore...
I'm letting us go... while i still can catch glimpses of me.
i wanna be with someone that my parents will accept. Someone who can talk to my brothers. Someone who my friends can hang out with and someone who i can love and share my world with without losing my self...and someone who can accept me as me...
I hope you understand why i need to do this. I'm sure you will hate me and i can only hope you can find it in you to forgive me... i believe that if we are meant for each other... our paths will cross again... Like Pacey said in Dawson's creek.. "if two people are meant for each other, it doesn't mean that they are meant for each other NOW..." and i have hopes for us... maybe that's the case with us... maybe our time hasn't come yet... maybe we just need to grow up... and maybe this just isn't meant to be... that's a lot of maybes... but right now, i'm sure of one thing...
Goodbye luv...
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Comments
Posted: Oct 19, 2008
i hope i can be strong like u.. ive been thru that situation for about 2 yrs ago..til now im still lost.. i am now,hu im not... i am tired of seeking spiritual counselling but still i don't know what to do in my life now...
i hope i can be strong like u.. ive been thru that situation for about 2 yrs ago..til now im still lost.. i am now,hu im not... i am tired of seeking spiritual counselling but still i don't know what to do in my life now...
Posted: Dec 29, 2007
Smart thinking! I lost a decade chasing a dream and forgetting myself, you're more right then you know. Still strange is it not how easily we betray and lie to ourselves in order to be with that one person we are so different from. We choose to do things out of the norm and everyone we know sees it but we don't. Just make sure you don't find yourself slepping about feeling sorry for yourself be glad of your choice and get on with you life don't let it slow you down, you have to get back on track with family and all, and they will all be there for your heeling process so move it!
Smart thinking! I lost a decade chasing a dream and forgetting myself, you're more right then you know. Still strange is it not how easily we betray and lie to ourselves in order to be with that one person we are so different from. We choose to do things out of the norm and everyone we know sees it but we don't. Just make sure you don't find yourself slepping about feeling sorry for yourself be glad of your choice and get on with you life don't let it slow you down, you have to get back on track with family and all, and they will all be there for your heeling process so move it!
Posted: Oct 24, 2007
and yet another inspiring piece... -cn
and yet another inspiring piece... -cn
