The past few weeks have been manic... A big rollercoaster ride that will surely end in a trainwreck.
I will be a sure casualty.
I've got bruises now and when this thing blows up...I have no idea if I'll survive this or not...
We were two people who became super good friends. We had that connection that was best friend material. We spent a lot of time together.. watching movies, playing tennis, trying out new restaurants and occasionally holding hands. That picture could've been perfect but the sad truth was, we each had our own lives and a commitment that was already there before we ran into each other. My usual over-analyzing, paranoid, over-rational self was thrown out the window and the daredevil in me eclipsed every sensible gene I possessed. Maybe when you're having such a grand time, you just couldn't care less about what's right and wrong.
Then you told me you were falling for me and I got so scared that i stayed away from you for days....
But you pursued me nonetheless.
You told me the words that I should have willed myself not to listen to, and my mind would keep on saying how untrue those words were but it was so damn hard to ignore. Despite what my mind was saying my heart would always be aflutter and I would be so euphoric every time you said "I love you..".
Falling for you was inevitable.
I couldn't count the times I had to bite down my tongue just to keep myself from saying those words back, but my will was weak, i finally said those words while we were hanging out and you couldn't believe it and you were so happy that I felt so relieved.
What we had was never easy not when we each had our own "other lives" to live.
We were living in the moment, juggling our schedules just to be together and to hell with everything else.
You spent time with me on some days and lived your "other life" on other days and that's what I also did.
Sometimes I'd go nuts and extremely jealous with just the thought of you living that other life.
I'd feel so helpless and I'd reprimand myself for feeling that way when I already knew that I have to put up with your other life when i crossed the forbidden line with you.
I would placate myself with the thought that you were also putting up with my other life without complaints.
We were living in a surreal world.
We told each other lies so that we wouldn't hurt each other.
Then, things went from happy, even blissful, to downright awful. It was like you were getting tired with my company. You'd get extremely mad with my mistakes that you would not talk to me for days, you'd lose patience with my little quirks and the texts stopped. I was hurting for days, I was losing sleep and all I can think of is what I did wrong.
I could just kill myself... you were supposed to be my "other life" but you were hurting me so bad, more than I could've imagined. I began to feel like I just got played. There I was on the brink of leaving my "other life" and I got stuck because I was so confused; I was hurting a lot of people - my other life, your other life, my friends.. I was hurting you.. and most of all I was hurting myself...
Once you told me a story on how you fell out of love with this girl but you couldn't bring yourself to break up with her because you pity her. When you told me that story I thought it was sweet of you to stay for her but now when I'm feeling like I'm beginning to be that girl I hope you tell me straight up and not stay with me out of pity because that is worse than you not loving me.
Reality has started to sink in...and I couldn't believe how deaf I was to reason and how blind I was to the wrongness of us being together.
Now, I feel guilty as hell.
But lemme tell you this... I never took pleasure in hurting your girl's feelings...because I knew at the end of the day it's still her and not me you'll go home to....
There are no happy endings for us, not when there shouldn't have been an us to begin with.
I will be a sure casualty.
I've got bruises now and when this thing blows up...I have no idea if I'll survive this or not...
We were two people who became super good friends. We had that connection that was best friend material. We spent a lot of time together.. watching movies, playing tennis, trying out new restaurants and occasionally holding hands. That picture could've been perfect but the sad truth was, we each had our own lives and a commitment that was already there before we ran into each other. My usual over-analyzing, paranoid, over-rational self was thrown out the window and the daredevil in me eclipsed every sensible gene I possessed. Maybe when you're having such a grand time, you just couldn't care less about what's right and wrong.
Then you told me you were falling for me and I got so scared that i stayed away from you for days....
But you pursued me nonetheless.
You told me the words that I should have willed myself not to listen to, and my mind would keep on saying how untrue those words were but it was so damn hard to ignore. Despite what my mind was saying my heart would always be aflutter and I would be so euphoric every time you said "I love you..".
Falling for you was inevitable.
I couldn't count the times I had to bite down my tongue just to keep myself from saying those words back, but my will was weak, i finally said those words while we were hanging out and you couldn't believe it and you were so happy that I felt so relieved.
What we had was never easy not when we each had our own "other lives" to live.
We were living in the moment, juggling our schedules just to be together and to hell with everything else.
You spent time with me on some days and lived your "other life" on other days and that's what I also did.
Sometimes I'd go nuts and extremely jealous with just the thought of you living that other life.
I'd feel so helpless and I'd reprimand myself for feeling that way when I already knew that I have to put up with your other life when i crossed the forbidden line with you.
I would placate myself with the thought that you were also putting up with my other life without complaints.
We were living in a surreal world.
We told each other lies so that we wouldn't hurt each other.
Then, things went from happy, even blissful, to downright awful. It was like you were getting tired with my company. You'd get extremely mad with my mistakes that you would not talk to me for days, you'd lose patience with my little quirks and the texts stopped. I was hurting for days, I was losing sleep and all I can think of is what I did wrong.
I could just kill myself... you were supposed to be my "other life" but you were hurting me so bad, more than I could've imagined. I began to feel like I just got played. There I was on the brink of leaving my "other life" and I got stuck because I was so confused; I was hurting a lot of people - my other life, your other life, my friends.. I was hurting you.. and most of all I was hurting myself...
Once you told me a story on how you fell out of love with this girl but you couldn't bring yourself to break up with her because you pity her. When you told me that story I thought it was sweet of you to stay for her but now when I'm feeling like I'm beginning to be that girl I hope you tell me straight up and not stay with me out of pity because that is worse than you not loving me.
Reality has started to sink in...and I couldn't believe how deaf I was to reason and how blind I was to the wrongness of us being together.
Now, I feel guilty as hell.
But lemme tell you this... I never took pleasure in hurting your girl's feelings...because I knew at the end of the day it's still her and not me you'll go home to....
There are no happy endings for us, not when there shouldn't have been an us to begin with.
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Comments
Posted: Oct 04, 2007
awww, and I thought none of you are attached to someone during your escapade, naa pa diay pang last ahahaha... he already have a girlfriend?
awww, and I thought none of you are attached to someone during your escapade, naa pa diay pang last ahahaha... he already have a girlfriend?
Posted: Oct 04, 2007
And yet another nice piece of work . . . you rock!
And yet another nice piece of work . . . you rock!
